ADHD and Emotions

 When I was a child, I was labeled as "sensitive." The smallest slight by another child would often result in me bursting into tears. This is hardly the best way to handle things in a 3rd grade classroom, but I had no control over it. Everyone made fun of me for it and I was routinely called a "crybaby." I would also cry over happy things, although most people thought this was fairly normal. I was very easily frustrated. When I had difficulty completing a task (this happened A LOT!) I would often give up, kick at things, or push things onto the floor. This sensitivity continued well into adulthood until I started to learn ways to manage my emotions in therapy. 

What I didn't know as a child was that I had ADHD and that one of my issues included emotional dysregulation. What's emotional deregulation? Simply put, it is an inability to control your emotions. It looks like mood swings, inappropriate reactions to situations, angry outbursts, or trouble calming down. 

If you have ever seen Bluey, then you've seen emotional dysregulation in Muffin. In several scenes, Muffin can be seen overreacting to a situation with frustration and a refusal to do what she is asked. I don't know if Muffin has ADHD but she definitely had trouble with her emotions.

This can be hard as a parent because to an outsider, it often looks as though your child just won't listen. It may seem like your child is spoiled because they start crying when they're told no, especially if that child is older. This is hard to deal with as a parent. What do you do when your 8 year old is crying because you said no to a toy? What on earth are you supposed to do?

It's important to remember the 30% rule when you think about this as a parent. The 30% rule says that kids with ADHD develop executive function skills about 30% slower than their neurotypical peers. This means that a child that is 5 has the executive function skills of a child who is about 3. And most children are not diagnosed until much later than this. If that child has emotional dysregulation, that 5 year old will likely react as though they were 3. A 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum is normal. A 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum makes you look like a bad parent who always gives your kid what they want.

Emotional development is important for children and while there may not be a lot you can do about other people judging you, you can help your child. It starts with helping them name the emotion. They likely can't, so if you can, that will help them out. Something like "I know that you're sad (or disappointed) you can't have that right now" is helpful for the child because they may not know what they feel. Next, take a moment with your child. Get down on their level and ask them to slow their breathing. You will probably have to do this with them. Belly breathing is a good technique for young kids because they can feel their belly move with their hands. It can help older kids too. 

You won't get far if you can't calm them down. Helping them calm down is important because it will help them begin to allow their brain to come back online. When a child is dysregulated, their brain is completely offline, so you can't reason with them. You have to show them how to calm down. It is helpful if you practice calming techniques when your child is already calm so they already know what to do. You won't be able to teach it in the moment (think about telling an angry woman to calm down - that has never worked and it won't work with your child either!).

It can be hard to deal with tears and even harder to deal with anger but the same techniques and reasoning apply. Teaching this to a child when they're young will help when they are older. And I don't think it's ok for your child to hit you or anyone else. They need to understand the consequences of that. But before you can talk with them, they need to be calm. Belly breathing is a good way to achieve that.

Emotional dysregulation is hard to deal with for anyone. It's important to remember that we need to demonstrate for the child what they need to do and talk about the behavior when they are calm. Helping children recognize their emotions will help them begin to regulate them. Consistency is important!